Mode Clash Cycle

Traci Ruble LMFT 51082  ·  traciruble.com

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Work through your own side first. After completing Steps 1 through 8, you will reach the Regulated Wise Self section. This tool works best when each partner fills it out independently and then brings it to session to compare.

Partner 1
Partner 2
1. What happened Briefly describe the moment things went sideways.
1. What happened Briefly describe the moment things went sideways.
2. What was triggered in you Select everything that fits.
Vulnerable / Small / Scared Lonely / Invisible / Uncared for Angry / Reactive / Explosive Ashamed / Humiliated Abandoned / Rejected Anxious / Panicked / Overwhelmed Impulsive / Out of control
2. What was triggered in you Select everything that fits.
Vulnerable / Small / Scared Lonely / Invisible / Uncared for Angry / Reactive / Explosive Ashamed / Humiliated Abandoned / Rejected Anxious / Panicked / Overwhelmed Impulsive / Out of control
3. How did you protect yourself when triggered Select one. (coping mode)
Attack / Assert (top dog) Submit / Accommodate (underdog) Withdraw (no dog)
3. How did you protect yourself when triggered Select one. (coping mode)
Attack / Assert (top dog) Submit / Accommodate (underdog) Withdraw (no dog)
The Loop
P1's triggered behavior
fires P2's old wound
→
↻
P2's triggered behavior
fires P1's old wound
←
Your protection is the exact thing that wounds your partner.
Their protection is the exact thing that wounds you.
Neither of you is choosing this. This is what keeps the same fight alive.
4. What memory does this bring up Before age 10, at home, school, or elsewhere.
4. What memory does this bring up Before age 10, at home, school, or elsewhere.
5. Which schema got activated Select everything that feels true right now.
People I love will leave or let me down People will hurt, use, or betray me No one will truly be there for me emotionally I am fundamentally flawed or unlovable I don't really belong I am a failure compared to others My needs and feelings don't matter I must take care of others before myself I need others' approval to feel okay I must be perfect or I have failed I can't handle things on my own Something bad is about to happen I should get what I want and others should not get in my way I deserve special treatment and the rules don't apply to me
5. Which schema got activated Select everything that feels true right now.
People I love will leave or let me down People will hurt, use, or betray me No one will truly be there for me emotionally I am fundamentally flawed or unlovable I don't really belong I am a failure compared to others My needs and feelings don't matter I must take care of others before myself I need others' approval to feel okay I must be perfect or I have failed I can't handle things on my own Something bad is about to happen I should get what I want and others should not get in my way I deserve special treatment and the rules don't apply to me
6. Inner critic voice What is the inner critic saying to you right now?
6. Inner critic voice What is the inner critic saying to you right now?
7. Core longing underneath What do you most need right now?
Connection / Care Safety / Stability Personal Space / Self-Sovereignty
7. Core longing underneath What do you most need right now?
Connection / Care Safety / Stability Personal Space / Self-Sovereignty
8. Miracle words and actions If your partner could speak directly to that longing in a way that felt delicious to your heart and mind, what would they say? What could your partner do that would touch that longing? e.g. Stay in the room. Hold my hand. Ask for a do-over. Make eye contact. Put their phone down. Come find me.
8. Miracle words and actions If your partner could speak directly to that longing in a way that felt delicious to your heart and mind, what would they say? What could your partner do that would touch that longing? e.g. Stay in the room. Hold my hand. Ask for a do-over. Make eye contact. Put their phone down. Come find me.
Regulated Wise Self
Partner 1
How will you help your partner give you what you actually need? What will you let in more from your partner, even when it is not perfect?
Partner 2
How will you help your partner give you what you actually need? What will you let in more from your partner, even when it is not perfect?

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